Randomness...

Backspace has become my favorite key on the keyboard these days, I write a line and then press backspace and then keep doing it over and over writing different thoughts but nothing seems right. I don't know if you call that a writers bloc, but well I m not even a writer to have something like that, you can call it a confused mind, or may be just a blank mind. ya.. BLANK, that's a feeling I get a lot these days, I call it blank cause I don't know any other word that can explain it.

Recalling a few past events since my last blog, I realize how the bad memories pop up first, maybe its because they were more over powering in the last one month. I can think of that one day when every thing just seemed to happen at the same time, It was like I was getting my share of sadness of the past few years all together, maybe its true or maybe I felt so because I tend to forget the bad as soon as possible, at least if not forget I kind of avoid it in my memories. Its not that I am running away from it, I learn from bad experiences and keep the learning with me but the incident I prefer to forget and forgive. Don't know if that's good or bad but I just find it easier that way I guess.

So, coming back to the present, I have a lot I want to do in these few days of vacation, but guess coming back home and seeing my bed gives me this sad gift of laziness which is very hard to fight, I know I have so much I want to do but don't feel like getting out of the bed at all, may be its the winter and the comforts of the house, but I need to stop blaming and start working. Its high time for that.. So here's to getting out of bed, making an effort and working towards all that I want to in the coming days. 

I normally share such a post with you guys which I think would make an interesting read, well this one is not such, its just like a page of a diary, (If were writing one :P) or actually you can call it a sad attempt at a self affirmation I wished to make.

P.s. Direct writing is not as bad as I thought it would be. It was just a fear I had to overcome. 

Too much crazy random I guess,

well as I always say, it's just me :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me

The Beginings...

She picked up the old and rusted diary, which was never used, she took out her pen, enthusiastic and overwhelmed, she thought she would write down imaginations and secrets of life, and she opened to the first blank page... Hours passed by, she couldn’t write a word, staring at the beautiful blankness; there she fell asleep, good night she said, as she ended her long eventful day.

 .....blink......

Slowly she opened her eyes, there she was sitting in the dingy corner, she could not see anything, and she felt her eyes were still closed because of the pitch darkness. It was scary and lonely as the dark night never seemed to end, still somewhere deep down she found it comforting... After a few minutes of starring into the darkness she felt a tear trickle down her soft cheeks, and even this comforted her as she realized that she had felt something after a very long time... She could not see how her always glittering brown eyes had turned red, she did not realize that she was shivering in that corner; she couldn’t see how her face had turned red and how her long fingers had grown so pale. She knew she could not stand up as she could not feel her legs, she knew she could not wipe that tear as she still could not feel her hands...

All her life until that point she seemed to have forgotten, all her plans the future and past no longer mattered. She felt aimless, she felt weak, and She felt a hollow deep inside like she was dead or may be just reborn somehow...
Every minute seemed like years, every second the pain seemed to grow, she grew restless and yet was numb, she was awake and yet so asleep, she was alive and yet so dead.

....blink....

She closed her eyes and slowly opened it again, a bright ray of light appeared from somewhere in the left, she could see her jewelled white gown shinning and her red nail colour reflecting, her tears had dried and somehow and she could feel warmth on her face which was more like a pink blush rather than the reminiscence of a hot and depressed state...
Her head was not heavy her eyes were not red...
She was still numb yet was restless, she still looked asleep yet was somehow awake, dead she  was still appeared and yet was so alive.

....blink.....

She woke up, as her eyes slowly opening to the bright day, bewildered yet by what she had seen and felt, suddenly she opened the diary and wrote down two words only: "Just Dream "

.....blink...

Too Dreamy, eh?

can't help it, that's just me.





Love Always

Signing off

just me

An epistle to the unkown: few words of graditude.

Have written a little in the past few days.. but due to the unavailablity of my computer ( which got hanged :(  ) could not post any of it.. will do soon... however this one is impulsive. :P

Its weird,  I like to write but I hardly read... yet, from the very little amateur reading I do I learn...

It’s amazing... some perceptions, there are some people who in a simple paragraph noting down general observations speak of some life lessons even the gurus can’t give, I don’t know if they themselves know it, that their common observations of an airport, some day to day event or even a beautiful explanation of their day about playing a sport and many such tiny write ups, not only inspires others but also gives away some tremendous life lessons which most philosophical journals strive to give, which often makes me think what are these people doing trying to make careers in different fields, neglecting their gift.. But then again whatever it is that they’re doing is only what makes them conceive these masterpieces. They may not be literary masterpieces, or world renowned... but somewhere deep down they click for me... they inspire me... it may be because I know about these people or simply because of their writtings... that i dont know but this post I dedicate those few known and not known people bestowed with the gift of words.. Who have unknowingly made me smile, inspired me, motivated me, helped me, and somewhere maybe to a very little yet significant extent made me who I am. So Thank you... I know you may never read this... or never know how you have helped me... but still i Thank you for your gift and for sharing it with the world.

You teach me that by this little writing that I do... if I can in someway bring that smile or that little change you got to my life.. in somebody else's world, if I too can in someway contribute... I should not stop, I should also continue to share, so Thank you to making me continue writing... Thank you for everything. :)

Buhbye.. will write soon...

Till then as I normally say.. love, laugh, cry, be happy, sad or whatever u feel like... just dnt forget to live !!

Gracious eh?
well thats just me! :P :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me

the past month..

Havent written for long, I knw..
have been travellin.. nd the laptop is hanged so basicaly no connection...
At present, have hardly slept in the past around 30 hours...
amazing 30 hours if i forgot to mention.. :P

theres one part of me sayin go to sleep u fool ur eyes are closing.. where as the other.. is just plainly typing this without thinking much.. :P

had the most beautiful day.. the amazing feeling of welcoming the monsoon.. by the midnight bike ride in the drizzling chilly times and the hot maggie at 4am, cant get better than this!
admist all of this, some heavy realizations and and a different experience...

well, awl this was just about these no-break-past-30 hrs.. bt looking back at the long traveling month would have a synopsis like.. the inspiration, the focus, the dissapointment, the no revelations, the uhmazing place, the stupid ppl , the same old stories, the loss of contact, the new ppl, the new prespectivees, the different lives and lifestyles, the extremes, and much more which ended with being the seniors. :)

owk i hv written all this, in half sleep i guess.. will cum bck nd read nd edit till then good nite. :P

mad eh?
well thats just me! :P :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me

When boredom strikes...

When boredom strikes i get lost, i knw its the time to find myself.. but i m wierd!! so this time i went from the demeaning writings to the affirmations, frm the realizations to the nothings... and as m still not out of this phase, so i thought, i shall give you a glimpse of all of these as i have nothing more than that.. but i shall remove the particulars of course, coz thats me! :p

................................................................................................................................

Its vacation time, actually its been vacation time for long.. you, no actually me, myself expect me to express, to write, to create... as there is time, energy and space.. yet all I am left with is emptiness. I thought I could do better in peace with nothing else to do, so much concentration so much to focus on.. But one little thing i forgot, no inspiration.. back then a conversation inspierd me, back then the overload of work inspierd me, hence in the middle of so much to do i could express so much more. Now I find no inspiration, no muse, nothing to do nothing to think, too much is still too less, may be the too long has got over me. I read what you write, it inspieres me at start but by the end of it i am lost again, lost in your praises detaining myself more than using thee as an inspiration. so now I wonder if I will find you again, my muse, my inspiration or may be just me! I wonder if I can!!!

............................................................................................................................

They say practice what you preach but i don’t read nethin then how can i  write? but then again i dont read them either then how can i write them?

So what now.. he said a pen is mightier than a sword.. but thats when you have somthing to say what if u have nthin to say what then?

He said imagination is like a musscle if  you don’t exercise it regularly it will get weak.. i truly belive that so lets imagine.. so what to imagine even when you imagine something, at the end of it you should have something to say, but then like you do, its not nessecarry you know that something right away.. it might come to you as you go on.

You want it to be mature, at the same time you want awl, to enjoy it. You want it to be fresh and new yet classic and ever readable so what do you do ? how do you start? I don’t know, bt hope it comes, no no no hope, it will come to me.. infact it is coming to me.. thats what an affirmation is isn't it?

....................................................................................................................................

more so.. when boredom strikes, so do the thoughts..

I thought it was just me,

But then I saw you,

And Then I saw the others too,

Now I don’t know whether to be happy or to be sad,

 to see the bright side or just wallow in bad,

Happy to see that I am not alone,

Or sad to realize that I am not the only one,

Happy to know that I am not a freak,

Or sad to realize that I might prefer to be one,

Happy to find out your beautiful words,

Or sad to realize that I am not good enough.

Yes, I thought it was just me,

But then I saw you.

......................................................................................................................................

Ya so by now you would hav labeled me as a psychopath, but removing the particulars does not leave much sense to it. Dont know how much you will get, dont know how much i mean to say... but just hope it does not turn you away!!

so all thats left to say is.. happy holidays! :P

Psychd huh?

Can't help that, it's just me.. :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me

Ever thought abt it...

Hey folks, long time.. just abstract thoughts to share with you today.. :

Ever held the sand in your hands, the tighter you hold the faster it slips of your hand...
Ever noticed the waves by the oceans, the closer they come to you the inner they take you away in the dark blue sea...
Ever felt the wind brush your face, the softer it brushes the lesser to feel...
Ever felt the tear trickling down your hot cheek, no matter what it signifies relief it brings to the inner side...
Ever felt the head throbbing for the reason that it can’t find the reason...
Ever felt the hollow inside like alls lost and there is no reason anymore...
Ever felt like a puppet with no say in the order of life even when u know all is in your hands...
Ever felt very low, known the way to come out of it yet never wished to do so...
Ever felt like jumping of the cliff just to see how it feels...
Ever felt like not opening the eyes ever again just because u r too scared...
Ever felt like knowing who u are or y u are...
Ever felt like feeling numb...
To feel is a gift to mankind, it’s not a choice, u feel even when u don’t want to,
U feel without command, u feel without thinking...
The Feelings control you or you control the feeling is a question yet unanswered...
But till then... feel... feel with Ur heart and soul...
It could be sorrow or grief, joy or ecstasy but it’s only this feel which makes u human...!!

Too much thoughts eh? Well, nothing I can do,
It’s just me! :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me

 

Think about it...

An amazing week just passed by lot of fun, cute lions, loads of sea animals, a hell of an experience, and also the sad side effects, a harsh and annoying tan... but midst the packing and unpacking I found a piece of paper from one of my old books...

I don’t remember the exact time or date but do remember writing it, I remember it was  in the 10^th or the 11^th standard, after a long talk with mom, I went to my room and thought and thought and then wrote these lines…

So here goes (a blast from the past! :P)… 

Who are you?

Who are you? Or who am I? Or who is anyone around here? The normal answer anyone would ever get to this question is:

The Name... you would say I am Yesha or Tina or Pooja or Arjun or whatever...  what is the name? It’s just a tag you have got, given by your parent or anyone around you so that you respond to a particular voice.... So there is a word you as call as yourself... I respond to the word Yesha... cause it’s a tag I was given when I was born but then again it’s just a tag... it’s not the answer to who I am. Is it??

Or If not the name you would respond saying... I am Indian or I am Hindu or I am a girl... what are all these?? Citizenship, religion, caste, gender... that’s it that is who I am or you are or any one is??? Again all these are just tags given by mankind to separate one from another... just because I am born in a particular place or raised by parents having a particular religion tag or because I have different genital organs than half the mankind does not make me who I am. Does it?

Of course not... who I am does not depend on a tag given to me or the piece of land I was born in or some faith I or my family believes in! No that’s not me or you or anyone... we need to break these barriers of tagging... we are who we want to be who or what we make of ourselves... who I am depends on my deeds.. My action... and not on the actions I am planning to do tomorrow... even my past or future cannot tell who I am.. Who I am can only be defined by what I am doing at this very second, what I am thinking... that is who I am... only that nothing else. No labels, no pasts no future only me and my present thought process that is who I am or who you are. That's me and only 'that' is me!!!!!

Surprised eh? So was I when I read this after such a long time,
but then again that’s just me! :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me

Words

Words of the poignant soul:
Seeing the real face beyond their fakeness, knowing how much they lie to you everyday, knowing they are not worth the broken trust... All this gives incentive to stay away from them but not the strength to do the same.

Words of the frustrated soul :
World does not work like you want it to be, people dont think like you want them to and hence responses, reactions, and expectations are often taken for granted. they wont call you, you have to go there.. they wont wait for you, you have to be before time, you are not unique, they wont perish without you, the game goes on, the life moves on, you may come and go... but the show must go on.

Words of the surprised soul :
Seeing what others have gone through may not make you strong but they surely make you aware, what if you were there, what if it was you, would you be the same person you are today, how could they live through that, just how?

Creepy eh? well, thats just me!! :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me

Thoughts to share...

I read somewhere, and it’s so true...
'After silence, that thing which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music', or in my case any form of art, as art allows you to assimilate your feelings and express them in a beautiful manner, such that it is free for the perception of the common gaze yet only you can interpret that actual story behind every stroke, word or beat of your creation..

With the ongoing exams, stressful times, and confusion all over, I shall not write much but leave you with these words I read in a book....

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they have been given then to explore the power they have to change it.

Impossible is not a fact, it's an opinion.

Impossible is not a declaration, its dare.

Impossible is potential.

Impossible is temporary.

Impossible is nothing.

Think about it, these words have the power to change lives!!

Inspiring eh? Oh... well that’s just me... :P

Love Always

Signing off

Just me  

Just Another Day...

A full moon... 

A flickering light...

Two friends...

A moonlit conversation...

A cup of hot steaming Caffine...

A little space...

to let the imginations flow.

to let the colours show,

to let the breeze blow,

But now the conversations heat up...

There comes the moonlit run...

the stress levels go up...

and there comes the anxious times...

No this is not a classic tale,

or an episode of a forgotten love story,

this is just another day @ my college,

with the advent of examinations.

too dramatic, eh??
oh thats just me! :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me

WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSE TO MEAN??

You might be wondering why Chaotic meadows...
or what the heck is chaotic meadows???

But I could not find a more suitable name for journal of my life,
Its a huge CHAOS just like lives of millions around me but at the same time, it is what I, myself have conciously or unconciously have made of it. It's the flourishing MEADOW I have created.

Thus welcome to my world, welcome to the Chaotic Meadows! :)

Confusion, unexpected, creepy, craapy, intlectual craziness, madness, questions, answers... is all you can expect... hav fun!!

P.S If you like what you read here, also see : http://yeshamodi.blogspot.in/! :)

Love Always

Signing off

just me