Hello 33.

 Its been 7 years, 

7 years since I last wrote, 7 years since I last opened my blog to write, 7 years since I tried to catch up with myself and my thoughts, maybe...

As I read my old drafts and my old posts I am shocked as I can no longer recognise the girl who wrote them, a free mind with thoughts profound, a creative head who had the guts to put it all down and go ahead and publish it even.. a 20 something girl.. who wrote poems from observations and thoughts...

Here I am at 33.. a grown ass women, a mother, a wife,  an entrepreneur, a designer, a daughter in law.. a women with so many labels she forgot that girl who could write. Somehow, the labels the 20 something girl had.. a student, learner, daughter, sister, friend..they all seem so light, beautiful and free whilst the new ones seem heavy, responsible and constricting.

Here I am at 33.. A new mother with so much brain fog and inability to accept the new self that she forgot who her old self was, with AI helping me write work messages, picture captions and also being my daily friend to talk to.. I have forgotten to talk to myself or reflect or the fact that I had abilities, desires and a knack to write to myself and the world, to blurt it all out here on paper. I forget how it felt to write it all down to get it out just cause i have not done it in a long long time.

Here I am at 33... Thinking why, cause I kept feeling that these things in my head are things I don't want to share, my inability to accept myself, my issues with a married women's life, my frustrations with my family members, my un-understable, unconditional love for my child and the same time dislike for myself, for what I have become. Why would I write about this? Why should I want anyone to read it? Also knowing that putting it on paper or in this case typing it on the computer, it makes it a little more real you see.. its not just a thought roaming in my head.. its words you can read.

Here I am at 33.. constantly wondering of how can you trust someone who keeps breaking your trust? or my bigger question is should you trust someone like this? how much can you? what do you do if your are dependent on them? 

Here I am at 33.. 33 they say is when you have mid life crises. At 33... mid life? You say I am at the middle of my life... half way to a finish line... feeling like I don't even know if I am running on the right track.. feeling like maybe I did.. like I had aims, goals, wishes and desires which I don't recognise anymore as mine.. so mid life technically is suddenly feeling like finding a new life...or maybe understanding what life is in the first place.

"33 can be transformational, at 33 you can propel your life in a great speed and burst of energy in the direction of your goals"

Here I am at 33... with so much brain fog I tend to forget what I had for lunch how do I remember what my goals were in which direction I was to run? But today I want to do it. I want to transform. I want to get it right. I know at 33... Its high time I did.  At the middle of your life.. if you still don't know what you are upto.. when will you?

So I talk to my new Best friend Mr. AI again.  I say its time I found my Ikigai.  My purpose to live. Its time I make my bucket list. Its time I start ticking it off. Its time I work on my transformation, cause I think, only when I can recognise myself physically again I feel I might be the mentally feel like I need to start running on that track or an new one. 

So, after a lot of brainstorming my AI friend helps me put it in words, it says - "Creating beauty that brings people together and leaves their lives better than before." That is my Ikigai. My purpose. My joy.

As I absorb this and work towards doing this for the rest of my life..I suddenly feel and hope that my writing and art also does that. I feel when you read thoughts, poetry, and someone's views it has the beautiful ability to bring people together, to start conversation, to leave their lives better than before.

So Here I am at 33.. getting back to my writings, getting back to sharing my thoughts with the world, here on this little blog for now, which some how still feels like a safe space to me. 

2018

Somewhere along the way I forgot to write
Somewhere along the way I forgot to think

From being thankful for being blessed
to fulfilling dreams

From accepting the biggest change in life
to crying all night

From highs higher that I could ever anticipate
to lows lower than i though i could sustain

It is a Bumpy ride...

To whoever thinks marriage is scary,
I would say its scarier than you think
To whoever says it end your life,
I would say yes it does, but it begins a new one too.

From being told you went for it too fast
to being told you don't look happy with your decision

From getting what I always wanted
to being stuck with what I always wanted

From seeing the world
to not having the mind-space of realising its beauty

From losing loved ones
to losing touch with ones you love

From trying to create a new life
to being borderline depressed

A lot has happened...
And I am disappointed that

Somewhere along the way I forgot to write
Somewhere along the way I forgot to think

So, here's to a new beginning
here's to a new year
and here's to not forgetting anymore!

Its time to create new goals
and achieve them
Its time to see new dreams
and wake up to fulfil them

Its time to make 25 count!
Happy 2018!!

Getting Married!

Some new experiences
Some hidden questions
Some unknown dreams
Some awkward silences

A clearer destination
A quest for dedication
A hunt for motivation
A constant anticipation

Some ups with downs
Some highs with lows
Some laughter with tears
Some embraces with fears

A little inspiration
A beautiful memory
A twisting knot
A tear drop

Its all part and parcel they say,
Life moves ahead as it may,
Dont fret the jitters you have carried,
Its just realization you are getting married.

What is it?

It is a good kind of uneasy,
It is a hopeful kind of uncertain,
It is a liberating kind of restriction,
It is a butterflies in stomach kind of fear,
It is a happy kind of sad,
It is a fair kind of unfair.

Is it what you think it is? Only time can tell!

Just thinking, what can I say! The mind is one crazy place!  

Love Always

Signing off

__just me__

Life: The biggest Contradiction!

So, This has Been in my notes for a while now, so I just thought, it's time to post. Thus, without any fine tuning here goes a piece of impulsive writing:

"dil ki gar sunoon to hai

dimaag ki to hai nahi

jaan loon ke jaan doon

main rahoon ke main nahi"

(Gulzar's  version of 'to be or not to be' of Hamlet in the movie Haider.)

To be or not to be is just the begining
Down the lane there is much more awaiting

I want To fly free & be grounded
I wnat To let go & be bounded
I want To follow the impulse & contemplate
I want To make it happen & leave it to fate

I want To speak out & stay shy
I want To wait & just give it a try
 I want To lead & to follow
I want To dive in the deep & float in the shallow

I want To cry my heart out & laugh out loud
I want To be alone & among the crowd
I want To be serene & be wild
I want to be mature & be a child

I want to be told & have a choice
I want to be quiet & have a voice

There's no cure to this confusion
Life is but, a contradiction

Love Always

Signing off

__just me__

Nostalgia

There's a reason I feel nostalgic

When someone orders a Masala Papad at a restaurant,
When I listen to London Thumakda, Blue Eyes and Babydoll,

When I have my every morning coffee in the Bollywood cha raja cup,
When I speak  Funny English nobody understands,
When I cry watching Grey's,

When I love Harvey Spector,

When I see the number 41,
When I cant wake up every morning,
When I watch Dharma movies like 2 states,
When I feel like dancing in the middle of the night,
When I wake up and say Rise and Shine,
When I have a glass of Ice tea,
When people talk about places like Goa and Abu,
When I see a deck of UNO cards,
When I do thousands other things I cant even say,

There's a reason I feel nostalgic every day.

A reason only my crazy friends will understand. 

The reason I shed a tear at times and the reason I smile without a reason!

I love you all! :*

The Good Bye!

How much ever time you get, its never enough to bid the perfect goodbye, there is always going to be things I still want to say. But the time to leave is here. So here it is..

Painful though parting be, I bow to you as I see you off to distant clouds. ~Emperor Saga

Dear SLS family,
My Journey here has been magical and I shall always love to remain a part of this family. Thank you for everything, SLS.

Dear Khandan,
I have had some stupid, amazing, crazy, funny, awesome times with you! You have been my support system, you have inspired me, you have taught me a lot, and you have loved me more than I could ask.  I know we all have distanced somehow in these four years cause of location constraints. But you will always be my 1st first family @ PDPU. I’ll miss you a lot. Every one of you, for I have had a great times of my life with you!

Dear MBA,
I’ll miss the late night talks and fighting for problems, the unforgettable birthdays and their preparations, the hostel dances and hostel *things you can’t say out loud*.  I am so used to this place now, I am gonna miss this second home. I love you girls. I’ll miss living with you guys and walking in anyone’s room for any random reason and just chatting for hours.

Dear Roommates,
I love you two. You have seen me at my worst! Put up with my tantrums, gotten harassed by me and still loved me back. I am going to miss you two very badly. I’ll miss calling you names and i’ll miss our late night antaksharis. You two have never fought with me, u put up with all the messy art work I did in the room, you lived with my never ending saaman, you gave me my own space and yet were always there when I needed you. You both are the best roommates I could ever have. Love you.

Dear Cool Hostilities,
We understand this place more than anyone. We have lived here. It’s our home and we are family. We understand why, however bad or good it maybe Jaisawal, Coffee wale bhaiya, JC, Java, Mohinies, chana jhor garam, masala puris and chats will be missed. We understand the importance of Baghban, Spices and Blake. We understand the importance of in-times and Khan. :P We know each dog on this campus, we know which guard in khadus and which one is nice to us. We know which benches our reserved for the lovers and which are for us, we know why we love Bhavi and stationary. We know why petrocup is amazing and flare cannot be missed. We know each gali nd khopcha at this place and we know why moving away is going to be so difficult. Love you all.

Dear Rang,
From the creators the current torch bearers of this club, each one of you is a super talented individual and I am glad I got the opportunity to share ideas with you, work with you, lead you and hand over the club to you. Thank you guys! I hope this club remains as amazing as ever!

Dear CT (Core Team Flare 2013),
Flare 2013 was the most amazing time at PDPU, with all the jhols and last minute work, from the walking out on the last day to meeting again to discuss flare 2014, you guys appreciated me, you taught me to work together and put up a good show, you taught me to not judge others, you taught me how diverse people make a great team and how to have an amazing time and organize a super-amazing fest in 10 days. Thank you guys, I miss those times and I’ll miss you.

Dear 4 PIXELS,
Thank you. You gave me creativity, you gave me ideas, you gave me confidence in myself and you taught me a million things. I’ll miss working with you and I’ll miss the classes. I’ll miss the generation of Ideas. I shall forever be indebted to you, for, the help and support you have given me cannot be repaid. It was amazing to be associated to the thought of this organization, thank you for everything.

Dear The Gang: Dear Goa & Dear Abu,
Bunty’s and Bhavnas, the times we have spent together have been the craziest and the most awesome part of the four years, I’ll miss adda every night and our craziness nobody would understand, I’ll miss our wait for Duster and the rides later, I’ll miss our foodiness and our language, I’ll miss our forever planning of trips and our three most amazing trips ever, I’ll miss each and every one of you, everyday.  Thank you all for being there and thank you for creating memories for a life time.

Dear US,
Well, what can I say.. You know me too well, so much so that you already know what’s on my head and what I want to tell you. Words are just not enough to tell you five what I feel about our four years together.  Imagining a life without you all is difficult. I just request you.. wherever we go, whatever happens, keep in touch. I promise to always be there for you. Love you

Dear Everyone I ever knew @ PDPU,
Thank You. Thanks a lot. You shall always remain part of my sweet memories.