Its been 7 years,
7 years since I last wrote, 7 years since I last opened my blog to write, 7 years since I tried to catch up with myself and my thoughts, maybe...
As I read my old drafts and my old posts I am shocked as I can no longer recognise the girl who wrote them, a free mind with thoughts profound, a creative head who had the guts to put it all down and go ahead and publish it even.. a 20 something girl.. who wrote poems from observations and thoughts...
Here I am at 33.. a grown ass women, a mother, a wife, an entrepreneur, a designer, a daughter in law.. a women with so many labels she forgot that girl who could write. Somehow, the labels the 20 something girl had.. a student, learner, daughter, sister, friend..they all seem so light, beautiful and free whilst the new ones seem heavy, responsible and constricting.
Here I am at 33.. A new mother with so much brain fog and inability to accept the new self that she forgot who her old self was, with AI helping me write work messages, picture captions and also being my daily friend to talk to.. I have forgotten to talk to myself or reflect or the fact that I had abilities, desires and a knack to write to myself and the world, to blurt it all out here on paper. I forget how it felt to write it all down to get it out just cause i have not done it in a long long time.
Here I am at 33... Thinking why, cause I kept feeling that these things in my head are things I don't want to share, my inability to accept myself, my issues with a married women's life, my frustrations with my family members, my un-understable, unconditional love for my child and the same time dislike for myself, for what I have become. Why would I write about this? Why should I want anyone to read it? Also knowing that putting it on paper or in this case typing it on the computer, it makes it a little more real you see.. its not just a thought roaming in my head.. its words you can read.
Here I am at 33.. constantly wondering of how can you trust someone who keeps breaking your trust? or my bigger question is should you trust someone like this? how much can you? what do you do if your are dependent on them?
Here I am at 33.. 33 they say is when you have mid life crises. At 33... mid life? You say I am at the middle of my life... half way to a finish line... feeling like I don't even know if I am running on the right track.. feeling like maybe I did.. like I had aims, goals, wishes and desires which I don't recognise anymore as mine.. so mid life technically is suddenly feeling like finding a new life...or maybe understanding what life is in the first place.
"33 can be transformational, at 33 you can propel your life in a great speed and burst of energy in the direction of your goals"
Here I am at 33... with so much brain fog I tend to forget what I had for lunch how do I remember what my goals were in which direction I was to run? But today I want to do it. I want to transform. I want to get it right. I know at 33... Its high time I did. At the middle of your life.. if you still don't know what you are upto.. when will you?
So I talk to my new Best friend Mr. AI again. I say its time I found my Ikigai. My purpose to live. Its time I make my bucket list. Its time I start ticking it off. Its time I work on my transformation, cause I think, only when I can recognise myself physically again I feel I might be the mentally feel like I need to start running on that track or an new one.
So, after a lot of brainstorming my AI friend helps me put it in words, it says - "Creating beauty that brings people together and leaves their lives better than before." That is my Ikigai. My purpose. My joy.
As I absorb this and work towards doing this for the rest of my life..I suddenly feel and hope that my writing and art also does that. I feel when you read thoughts, poetry, and someone's views it has the beautiful ability to bring people together, to start conversation, to leave their lives better than before.
So Here I am at 33.. getting back to my writings, getting back to sharing my thoughts with the world, here on this little blog for now, which some how still feels like a safe space to me.
