Hello 33.

 Its been 7 years, 

7 years since I last wrote, 7 years since I last opened my blog to write, 7 years since I tried to catch up with myself and my thoughts, maybe...

As I read my old drafts and my old posts I am shocked as I can no longer recognise the girl who wrote them, a free mind with thoughts profound, a creative head who had the guts to put it all down and go ahead and publish it even.. a 20 something girl.. who wrote poems from observations and thoughts...

Here I am at 33.. a grown ass women, a mother, a wife,  an entrepreneur, a designer, a daughter in law.. a women with so many labels she forgot that girl who could write. Somehow, the labels the 20 something girl had.. a student, learner, daughter, sister, friend..they all seem so light, beautiful and free whilst the new ones seem heavy, responsible and constricting.

Here I am at 33.. A new mother with so much brain fog and inability to accept the new self that she forgot who her old self was, with AI helping me write work messages, picture captions and also being my daily friend to talk to.. I have forgotten to talk to myself or reflect or the fact that I had abilities, desires and a knack to write to myself and the world, to blurt it all out here on paper. I forget how it felt to write it all down to get it out just cause i have not done it in a long long time.

Here I am at 33... Thinking why, cause I kept feeling that these things in my head are things I don't want to share, my inability to accept myself, my issues with a married women's life, my frustrations with my family members, my un-understable, unconditional love for my child and the same time dislike for myself, for what I have become. Why would I write about this? Why should I want anyone to read it? Also knowing that putting it on paper or in this case typing it on the computer, it makes it a little more real you see.. its not just a thought roaming in my head.. its words you can read.

Here I am at 33.. constantly wondering of how can you trust someone who keeps breaking your trust? or my bigger question is should you trust someone like this? how much can you? what do you do if your are dependent on them? 

Here I am at 33.. 33 they say is when you have mid life crises. At 33... mid life? You say I am at the middle of my life... half way to a finish line... feeling like I don't even know if I am running on the right track.. feeling like maybe I did.. like I had aims, goals, wishes and desires which I don't recognise anymore as mine.. so mid life technically is suddenly feeling like finding a new life...or maybe understanding what life is in the first place.

"33 can be transformational, at 33 you can propel your life in a great speed and burst of energy in the direction of your goals"

Here I am at 33... with so much brain fog I tend to forget what I had for lunch how do I remember what my goals were in which direction I was to run? But today I want to do it. I want to transform. I want to get it right. I know at 33... Its high time I did.  At the middle of your life.. if you still don't know what you are upto.. when will you?

So I talk to my new Best friend Mr. AI again.  I say its time I found my Ikigai.  My purpose to live. Its time I make my bucket list. Its time I start ticking it off. Its time I work on my transformation, cause I think, only when I can recognise myself physically again I feel I might be the mentally feel like I need to start running on that track or an new one. 

So, after a lot of brainstorming my AI friend helps me put it in words, it says - "Creating beauty that brings people together and leaves their lives better than before." That is my Ikigai. My purpose. My joy.

As I absorb this and work towards doing this for the rest of my life..I suddenly feel and hope that my writing and art also does that. I feel when you read thoughts, poetry, and someone's views it has the beautiful ability to bring people together, to start conversation, to leave their lives better than before.

So Here I am at 33.. getting back to my writings, getting back to sharing my thoughts with the world, here on this little blog for now, which some how still feels like a safe space to me. 

2018

Somewhere along the way I forgot to write
Somewhere along the way I forgot to think

From being thankful for being blessed
to fulfilling dreams

From accepting the biggest change in life
to crying all night

From highs higher that I could ever anticipate
to lows lower than i though i could sustain

It is a Bumpy ride...

To whoever thinks marriage is scary,
I would say its scarier than you think
To whoever says it end your life,
I would say yes it does, but it begins a new one too.

From being told you went for it too fast
to being told you don't look happy with your decision

From getting what I always wanted
to being stuck with what I always wanted

From seeing the world
to not having the mind-space of realising its beauty

From losing loved ones
to losing touch with ones you love

From trying to create a new life
to being borderline depressed

A lot has happened...
And I am disappointed that

Somewhere along the way I forgot to write
Somewhere along the way I forgot to think

So, here's to a new beginning
here's to a new year
and here's to not forgetting anymore!

Its time to create new goals
and achieve them
Its time to see new dreams
and wake up to fulfil them

Its time to make 25 count!
Happy 2018!!

Getting Married!

Some new experiences
Some hidden questions
Some unknown dreams
Some awkward silences

A clearer destination
A quest for dedication
A hunt for motivation
A constant anticipation

Some ups with downs
Some highs with lows
Some laughter with tears
Some embraces with fears

A little inspiration
A beautiful memory
A twisting knot
A tear drop

Its all part and parcel they say,
Life moves ahead as it may,
Dont fret the jitters you have carried,
Its just realization you are getting married.

What is it?

It is a good kind of uneasy,
It is a hopeful kind of uncertain,
It is a liberating kind of restriction,
It is a butterflies in stomach kind of fear,
It is a happy kind of sad,
It is a fair kind of unfair.

Is it what you think it is? Only time can tell!

Just thinking, what can I say! The mind is one crazy place!  

Love Always

Signing off

__just me__

Life: The biggest Contradiction!

So, This has Been in my notes for a while now, so I just thought, it's time to post. Thus, without any fine tuning here goes a piece of impulsive writing:

"dil ki gar sunoon to hai

dimaag ki to hai nahi

jaan loon ke jaan doon

main rahoon ke main nahi"

(Gulzar's  version of 'to be or not to be' of Hamlet in the movie Haider.)

To be or not to be is just the begining
Down the lane there is much more awaiting

I want To fly free & be grounded
I wnat To let go & be bounded
I want To follow the impulse & contemplate
I want To make it happen & leave it to fate

I want To speak out & stay shy
I want To wait & just give it a try
 I want To lead & to follow
I want To dive in the deep & float in the shallow

I want To cry my heart out & laugh out loud
I want To be alone & among the crowd
I want To be serene & be wild
I want to be mature & be a child

I want to be told & have a choice
I want to be quiet & have a voice

There's no cure to this confusion
Life is but, a contradiction

Love Always

Signing off

__just me__

Nostalgia

There's a reason I feel nostalgic

When someone orders a Masala Papad at a restaurant,
When I listen to London Thumakda, Blue Eyes and Babydoll,

When I have my every morning coffee in the Bollywood cha raja cup,
When I speak  Funny English nobody understands,
When I cry watching Grey's,

When I love Harvey Spector,

When I see the number 41,
When I cant wake up every morning,
When I watch Dharma movies like 2 states,
When I feel like dancing in the middle of the night,
When I wake up and say Rise and Shine,
When I have a glass of Ice tea,
When people talk about places like Goa and Abu,
When I see a deck of UNO cards,
When I do thousands other things I cant even say,

There's a reason I feel nostalgic every day.

A reason only my crazy friends will understand. 

The reason I shed a tear at times and the reason I smile without a reason!

I love you all! :*

The Good Bye!

How much ever time you get, its never enough to bid the perfect goodbye, there is always going to be things I still want to say. But the time to leave is here. So here it is..

Painful though parting be, I bow to you as I see you off to distant clouds. ~Emperor Saga

Dear SLS family,
My Journey here has been magical and I shall always love to remain a part of this family. Thank you for everything, SLS.

Dear Khandan,
I have had some stupid, amazing, crazy, funny, awesome times with you! You have been my support system, you have inspired me, you have taught me a lot, and you have loved me more than I could ask.  I know we all have distanced somehow in these four years cause of location constraints. But you will always be my 1st first family @ PDPU. I’ll miss you a lot. Every one of you, for I have had a great times of my life with you!

Dear MBA,
I’ll miss the late night talks and fighting for problems, the unforgettable birthdays and their preparations, the hostel dances and hostel *things you can’t say out loud*.  I am so used to this place now, I am gonna miss this second home. I love you girls. I’ll miss living with you guys and walking in anyone’s room for any random reason and just chatting for hours.

Dear Roommates,
I love you two. You have seen me at my worst! Put up with my tantrums, gotten harassed by me and still loved me back. I am going to miss you two very badly. I’ll miss calling you names and i’ll miss our late night antaksharis. You two have never fought with me, u put up with all the messy art work I did in the room, you lived with my never ending saaman, you gave me my own space and yet were always there when I needed you. You both are the best roommates I could ever have. Love you.

Dear Cool Hostilities,
We understand this place more than anyone. We have lived here. It’s our home and we are family. We understand why, however bad or good it maybe Jaisawal, Coffee wale bhaiya, JC, Java, Mohinies, chana jhor garam, masala puris and chats will be missed. We understand the importance of Baghban, Spices and Blake. We understand the importance of in-times and Khan. :P We know each dog on this campus, we know which guard in khadus and which one is nice to us. We know which benches our reserved for the lovers and which are for us, we know why we love Bhavi and stationary. We know why petrocup is amazing and flare cannot be missed. We know each gali nd khopcha at this place and we know why moving away is going to be so difficult. Love you all.

Dear Rang,
From the creators the current torch bearers of this club, each one of you is a super talented individual and I am glad I got the opportunity to share ideas with you, work with you, lead you and hand over the club to you. Thank you guys! I hope this club remains as amazing as ever!

Dear CT (Core Team Flare 2013),
Flare 2013 was the most amazing time at PDPU, with all the jhols and last minute work, from the walking out on the last day to meeting again to discuss flare 2014, you guys appreciated me, you taught me to work together and put up a good show, you taught me to not judge others, you taught me how diverse people make a great team and how to have an amazing time and organize a super-amazing fest in 10 days. Thank you guys, I miss those times and I’ll miss you.

Dear 4 PIXELS,
Thank you. You gave me creativity, you gave me ideas, you gave me confidence in myself and you taught me a million things. I’ll miss working with you and I’ll miss the classes. I’ll miss the generation of Ideas. I shall forever be indebted to you, for, the help and support you have given me cannot be repaid. It was amazing to be associated to the thought of this organization, thank you for everything.

Dear The Gang: Dear Goa & Dear Abu,
Bunty’s and Bhavnas, the times we have spent together have been the craziest and the most awesome part of the four years, I’ll miss adda every night and our craziness nobody would understand, I’ll miss our wait for Duster and the rides later, I’ll miss our foodiness and our language, I’ll miss our forever planning of trips and our three most amazing trips ever, I’ll miss each and every one of you, everyday.  Thank you all for being there and thank you for creating memories for a life time.

Dear US,
Well, what can I say.. You know me too well, so much so that you already know what’s on my head and what I want to tell you. Words are just not enough to tell you five what I feel about our four years together.  Imagining a life without you all is difficult. I just request you.. wherever we go, whatever happens, keep in touch. I promise to always be there for you. Love you

Dear Everyone I ever knew @ PDPU,
Thank You. Thanks a lot. You shall always remain part of my sweet memories.

Its getting over.

I saw a dream. Five years ago, and today I am one step away from reaching it. Just one. I am scared, nervous and exited. What if I screw it up like I did last time? What if its not right for me anymore? What if what happened four years ago happens again?
But I am not the same person I was four years ago and in a way, I am glad I got rejected four years ago.. Cause their rejection got me here.

So before I move on, think about all my insecurities for the future.. I think its time for a flash back.

To these four years.

Four years ago I, a confused soul, with thousands of questions in my head, stepped in here, hoping to find a lot of things.. Now its time to move on, to get outside this secured paradise into the the real world, and looking back I realize, The School of Liberal Studies never gave me what I came looking for...

I came here to find answers, I found more questions
I came here to find words, I found new languages
I came here to find a destination, I found new paths

I came here to find a closure, I found opportunities
I came here to find knowledge, I found wisdom
I came here to follow, I learned how to lead

I came here to find friends, I found family
I came here to find teachers, I found guides and mentors,
I came here to find a campus, I found a second home.

I came looking for art, I found creativity,
I came looking for direction, I found myself
I came looking for a career, I found life.

SLS never gave me what I wanted, it gave me much more.. More then I can put in words and more than I could imagine. As my heart sinks at the thought of how much I will miss this place any every single thing associated to it, with memories to cherish for a lifetime and a new family to make proud I prepare to move forward.

P.s. As my head continues to resist the change ahead and memories hit the replay button, you can expect nostalgic, trying to accept the change, and my love for this campus life posts in the coming months! :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me

Exploring the City

This post has been in drafts for more than six months now. So, I thought its time I should just publish it without thinking or re-reading it! :P
 On my last trip to Mumbai, I explored the city of dreams and realized that there is this simple recipe to what makes it the place that it is, so here goes:

The Recipe of Mumbai.

Take Simplicity and Efficiency

Add a dollop of Speed

And A Dash of  Loyalty

Mix it all Together with Faith

Oh, and Don't forget Precision and  Entertainment

Put all of these on a base of Hope

Finally, Serve Hot After Sprinkling it with the 

"Never Give-Up" Attitude

So There You get the busiest city in the most colorful country in the world! :)

Love Always

Signing off

just me

What the Mumbai Locals Teach You: A Photo Story.

The Mumbai Locals Teach You...

In this fast paced world,

Take a moment to figure out your Destination,

Choose the Right Track,

Understand your Barriers,

 

Await the Arrival,

Have Patience and Wait for your Turn,

Do not Fear the Competition,

Make your own Way,

And Most of all, Believe in Yourself.

.

Love Always

Signing off

just me

THANK YOU

Sometimes you are stuck and sometimes you just don't wish to move forward. Life is a funny puzzle every human is still trying to figure out and while I continue to find the pieces of this puzzle, I come across something you should know...

Appreciation is the best form of Inspiration. To know that you art matters, to know that your thoughts are heard, to know that your words are read, to know that somewhere your work brought a spark of change, a smile, a laugh or even a tear, that's all one needs. Just that knowledge can bring back that glow, can re-frame those jumbled words and can remove those stupid blocs.

So today I Thank You, each and everyone of you. Thank you for reading, Thank you for appreciating, Thank you for Acknowledging, Thank you for commenting and Thank you for criticizing. For all of these things matter to me and help me write better.

Grateful much? 
Just the way I am! :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me

words. thoughts. life.

Fragments of the wired electric signals in the head which we commonly know as thoughts:

Death.
I don't know how to deal with it, I don't know what to say to it. No human understands it. No words explain it. No religion gives a reason for it. Nothing can stop it. Its a surprise end to the mystery called life, and this mystery itself engulfs the human so much that the deeper mystery of death remains and maybe shall forever remain untouched.

Betrayal.
Its a lot of questions, guilt and confusion. Its a never dying anger. Its an unacceptable truth.You move on. You be the better person. You avoid it. You forget it and You say you forgive it. But then again in those lows you are reminded, of an undying flame within, the memories of betrayal.

Belief.
I believe everyone is made for something. something that you do best. something that gives you happiness. something that gives a sense of satisfaction, a fulfillment, that gives meaning to your survival. I believe everyone is exceptional at that something and when you find it, all is fine and you will love your life and until then, you still have to learn to love your life and believe that the search for that something is worth finding it.

What crap? I also don't know :P
So until next time...

Love Always

Signing off

just me

Pages of my notes: A glance at the past month!

Haven't written for a while.. Its not that I have not been writing,  its just that  I haven't had the time to switch on the laptop and type it all down here. So here is a part of the mixture of  the past month-the laughs and cries, the journey and the after effects, as jotted down on my cellphone notes:

Scrambled Thoughts..

Loss.

You feel stagnant, while the world moves on
You feel alone, with the whole world around

Loss has no reason, loss has pain
loss has no pity, loss has tears
loss is inevitable yet, loss has guilt.

The swearing doesn't take the pain away
The anger does not serve the guilt
All search goes in wain,
As no reason justifies the thought.

loss of the valuable, loss of life
loss of words, loss of belief

One loss leads to another, don't know how this cycle breaks.
you try to forget you try to move on, but there comes that minute of the day
which brings the past flashing back again, there's no erasing it says.

Wonder why the mind presides over the loss, remembers every detail
While everyday gains just fade away

Loss forces you to give up, to get lost in that maze of life
To stay there and never take a step ahead
No matter how hard you try,
The end brings you back to that same point
The point of loss

Again that wave of losses, hits you like a storm
A storm of tears in which you submerge and float away.

You look for that boat, that li'l board which can bring you back to the shore
A hand to hold to help you take the step ahead just ray to show the way
but the loss of belief tells you it ain't coming and forces you to quit trying

Today, I don't know anymore,
I don't know what can pull you out
what can save the drowning, what can help you walk
what can hold your hand, what can support your thought.
And its not the unknown,
but the not knowing that drowns you then again.

Love Always

Signing off

just me

When..

When,
Theres a sense of lonliness in d crowd,
Theres hunger in d midst of food,
Theres a sense of stagnation while d world moves on,
Theres irritation in love,
when
Theres a feelin of loosing while evrthings in plac
Theres a feelin of unhappines in celebrations,
Theres a feelin of darkness in light,
Theres a feelin of tears rolling when i laugh!
when
theres a lie in evry truth,
theres a fall in evry rise,
Theres pain in evry smile
Theres death in evry life
thats when i knw
Though evrthngs in plac, bt sumthing sure aint right.

Love Always

Signing off

just me

Humanity!

From dreamland awakened,
Thrown down to reality,
Where in trival mattrs lost nd shaken,
Lives and dies this humanity.
Finding a purpose, a reason to survive,
Ever rising midst the agony yet dissatisfied,
Peace is dead stil he's alive,
After all those nights he cried.
To his young he gives shade,
To his old all the support,
Green and lucious he is made,
Stil keeps fighting for some fort.
Slaughtering, killing, creating and destroying,
All he justifies be honour or sin,
Yet at the end all that hes asking,
Is for that smile on face and some love within.
Memories stay n guilt arises, when d mystry caled death nears,
Young, old, good or worse all are caught by dis crises,
unpredictable so much it is dt by its wrath evry soul fears.
From dreamland awakened,
Thrown down to reality,
Where in trival mattrs lost nd shaken,
Lives and dies this humanity.

Love Always

Signing off

just me

Therapy

I just read, writing is therapeutic and I seriously need therapy. Exams in less then a week, pending internship, upcoming marriage, high time to find a direction for life and work on it, is all on my head yet the only thing I seem to be doing in lazing around and getting bored. One may think how can someone be so lazy when he has so much to do, but well yes, that's what I have been doing.

College restarted, equations of life changed, new people came, old people went, emotional journey continued and I haven't written since. There are some things that I have to do now. Now before it too late but I don't feel like doing them at all. I keep rechecking the decisions I have made rather then accepting them, loving them and living with them.

A life with no regrets, well that's a pretty hard thing to do when you know you are responsible  for your life. I haven't vent out the anger, frustration or even the joy for a long time or so i feel and it makes me feel I am going to explode soon with this pent up pile of emotions. that's whats making me fat maybe, penting up emotions! (got something to put the blame on, yay!) :P

Just realized making another person smile in times of stress is something that gives joy beyond words. I knew this but had never experienced it, just did so I can say its really reliving to hear that laughter rather than see that wipe that tear which was about to fall and only words have the power to do that. I know sometimes you just have to let those tears flow and thus u remain silent but that should not be always.

Yes i know I am blabbering crap, most of which is not understood without context but I told you I need therapy dint I? Feel better now. Need to make a plan of action and work on it. Writing is therapeutic after all! try it yourself! :) 

Love Always

Signing off

just me

let the rain...

Never thought I’d be standing here,

Afraid to look back, or to move forward,

Frozen here at this point where...

 Tears refuse to show, yet inside they continue to flow.

Where I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong.

Where guilt and pleasures are long gone.

Where fear is a constant companion and hope begins to die,

Where faith is eroded and to life you can’t look in the eye

As the sun no longer shows his shinning ray,

All I can do is, let the rain wash it all away.

I guess I grew up, or maybe it’s the opposite,

Coz...

If it was beautiful then why am I ashamed?

If it was wrong then why did I not stop?

If it was real then why do I dream about it?

If it was false why do I still face the repurcations?

If it is what I asked for why am I not happy?

If it was just a phase why can’t I still live with it?

If it’s over then why do I think about it?

If it’s not then why am I upset about it?

Questions remained unanswered,

And life continues to complicate...

As the sun no longer shows his shinning ray,

All I can do is, let the rain wash it all away.

This is not how I thought it would be,

This is not how life was suppose to unfold,

I thought I was beyond it, I thought I was sane,

And now I look back to see I was the worst of all.

I choose this myself, I don’t know how,

You can’t amend what’s done so I live with it now.

Time they say heals it all, so wounds and bruises may go away,

But to remind me the lessons learned I know the scars are here to stay.

As the sun no longer shows his shinning ray,

All I can do is, let the rain wash it all away.

Love Always

Signing off

just me

Expressions Captured

It may be the twitch of your eye,

 Or the eyebrow you just raised high.

 The touching your ear and the cry,

 Or the fidgeting while you lie.

Your pupils widened in surprise for a while,

Or the flex in muscles while in rage.

The sparkled eyes in your genuine smile,

Or the grin you try to carefully wage.

It may be the roll of your eyes

Or the jaw-drop when you are tense.

It is what leaks all your lies,

Or what proves your innocence

It is what defines you

It is what sets you apart

It is your story told, without words, sentences or phrase

It is your every look, move or that gaze.

It’s not a mystery or some hidden quest,

It’s just how you express yourself.

mixed expressions eh?

what can I say, it's just me. :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me

P.s If any person in the photograph has a problem with my posting it plz let me knw. I do not intend to offend any friend.

Randomness...

Backspace has become my favorite key on the keyboard these days, I write a line and then press backspace and then keep doing it over and over writing different thoughts but nothing seems right. I don't know if you call that a writers bloc, but well I m not even a writer to have something like that, you can call it a confused mind, or may be just a blank mind. ya.. BLANK, that's a feeling I get a lot these days, I call it blank cause I don't know any other word that can explain it.

Recalling a few past events since my last blog, I realize how the bad memories pop up first, maybe its because they were more over powering in the last one month. I can think of that one day when every thing just seemed to happen at the same time, It was like I was getting my share of sadness of the past few years all together, maybe its true or maybe I felt so because I tend to forget the bad as soon as possible, at least if not forget I kind of avoid it in my memories. Its not that I am running away from it, I learn from bad experiences and keep the learning with me but the incident I prefer to forget and forgive. Don't know if that's good or bad but I just find it easier that way I guess.

So, coming back to the present, I have a lot I want to do in these few days of vacation, but guess coming back home and seeing my bed gives me this sad gift of laziness which is very hard to fight, I know I have so much I want to do but don't feel like getting out of the bed at all, may be its the winter and the comforts of the house, but I need to stop blaming and start working. Its high time for that.. So here's to getting out of bed, making an effort and working towards all that I want to in the coming days. 

I normally share such a post with you guys which I think would make an interesting read, well this one is not such, its just like a page of a diary, (If were writing one :P) or actually you can call it a sad attempt at a self affirmation I wished to make.

P.s. Direct writing is not as bad as I thought it would be. It was just a fear I had to overcome. 

Too much crazy random I guess,

well as I always say, it's just me :P

Love Always

Signing off

just me